“WATCH OUT!!!” I yelled.
My heart stopped 2 beats as I watched my 3 month old dangle off the bed frame. It was a 2.5 foot drop to the floor. My Mother In Law spun around and grabbed her in time. I was breathing heavily rapidly. I wanted to pull my hair out. I wanted to grab something and shake it hard. I wanted to scream and cry. All through the day and into the night, flashes of the incident constantly replayed in my mind. “What if she had fallen off and fractured her skull? What if she had twisted her neck and died? What if she became permanently damaged?” went on and on like a broken record.
That night for the first time, Lia kept crying incessantly. It wasn’t like her. She’d usually fall asleep in 20 minutes, but tonight she was howling for no apparent reason. She wasn’t sickly, she wasn’t uncomfortable, she was sleepy for sure.
What was going on?
After 2 hours she finally surrendered and fell asleep after some really hard rocking. Still, she’d wake up occasionally and continue sobbing. I lay down beside her, events from the afternoon still replaying in my head. Maybe she’s disturbed like I am. Maybe she’s disturbed by me. Maybe she senses my internal chaos and upset. I had to let this go, move on. I was still holding on to the shock when I didn’t need to. I was still holding on to blame for my MIL. The truth is, nothing happened in reality, but the story continued in our heads (My MIL was still blaming herself).
I’m living in a past that’s passed, and a future that isn’t happening.
Soon, Lia fell peacefully asleep and didn’t wake until her next feed.